Three things you can’t avoid if you live long enough. Well, actually, you don’t have to live long at all before dying. It could just be a nano-second and then lights out.
But for most of us, we’re living and then we’ll be dead. We will have paid taxes and 51% of us will go through menopause.
Women’s lives revolve around our reproductive organs. Waiting for our periods, ovulating, getting our periods, suffering through said period, pregnancy (sometimes more than once), more periods and then menopause. There are lots of in-between stuff but I don’t want to lose anymore male readers than I have by this point.
This is when a woman stops having her periods and goes into the final phase of carrying a uterus.
Everything has changed. All that I have known, understood and counted on for the last 40 years is gone.
I no longer have the control over my emotions and actions that I had before. I no longer feel hopeful, happy or energetic. It has been stolen from me and I don’t know what to do or where to go to get my life back.
My once flat stomach looks to be 5 months pregnant and any bit of chocolate within a one mile radius is not safe.
I carry a light jacket with me to warm myself up after the hot flash leaves. I’ve never been hot and cold at the same time until now. My sleep pattern is now to make sure the fan is on (it doesn’t matter the temperature of my house), wake-up several times a night, burning up and throwing the covers off and let the cold air pass over me, get cold and pull the blankets back over me and try to go back to sleep until the next bout.
Rinse and repeat all night.
Of course, I have to hit the floor running every morning. It doesn’t matter if I slept or not. Up at 5:30, take Blue for a walk, back home and get ready for work. Out the door and try to maintain my formerly friendly and optimistic disposition when what I really want to do is slap the shit out of everyone person on the planet. Why?
NO GOOD REASON! I JUST FEEL LIKE IT.
My male co-workers now walk into my office quietly and slowly. Yesterday my boss came in, sat down and said hello
I burst into tears.
Of COURSE I burst into tears.
He said hello, damn it!
He quickly found his “Don’t piss her off anymore” smile and put it into overdrive as he suddenly sat very still. He was as still as a squirrel that has just spotted a hawk circling above.
I bet he even stopped breathing.
I shook my head, wiped my eyes and cursed.
“Why the HELL DID I NOT WEAR MY WATERPROOF MASCARA TODAY? I’VE GOT ALLERGIES ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE!”
He quietly and slowly shook his head as his eyes darted toward my office door.
The poor bastard was trying to make a clean and fast exit.
Nope. Not gonna happen.
I picked-up a yellow pad of paper and began fanning myself as quickly as possible just as my student arrived for the day. She walked into my office, saw me fanning myself, looked at my boss and then back at me.
“Ummm, so…hey Susan! How’s it going?” she asked as she took one last final slurp of her coffee and set it down on my desk.
Strict rules – no water, food or cell foods allowed in the training room. I’ve been known to grab ringing cell phones from a student’s hand, open the door and toss the phone out into the hallway.
I smiled, wiped my brow and stood up. She quickly grabbed her phone from her purse and handed it to me.
“See? I even turned it off!” and smiled.
She was trying to appease me. She was scared.
She was smart.
I took the phone, placed it on my desk, grabbed her hand and marched us into the training room.
My boss waved as we walked by. “See you later, OK” he said and quickly ducked into his office.
I nodded my head and closed the door.
All I wanted to do was cry. I don’t know why. I just felt like it and had for months. My clothes were tight, I hadn’t slept through the night in months and I wanted a cigarette. I had quit a few months before, but now that’s all I wanted. Well, that and a shot of whiskey.
I assured my student that all was well as I grabbed the pad of paper and began to fan myself again.
Things calmed down, the day progressed well and I looked forward to a long walk with Blue (my dog), a nice dinner and a movie.
All was going according to plan that night until…I logged onto Facebook and saw my ex-boyfriend had a new girlfriend.
A younger one than me.
A younger one than me that his family likes.
His family that didn’t even knew I existed when we were dating.
His family that was tagging his ass all over Facebook about how great she is, how funny she is, how much they like her.
I hate social networks.
Truly, I do. I long for the days when I was clueless, naive and stupid.