Month: January 2015

I am a dichotomy.

“Never mistake who I am with who I have to be in order to get the job done. I am often a dichotomy.” #Lewisism

I wrote that over 20, maybe 30+, years ago. Funny how it still holds true for me. Though now it has a hashtag for fun. Because it’s fun and maybe someday, when I’m dead and gone, the hashtag will continue. I think if it’s on the internet, it’s as close to forever as you can get.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I resent having to be a cop. I don’t mean someone in a uniform who has the actual job of police officer. But it would be cool to carry a gun around and sneer.

I mean someone who has to get after people for being lazy or inattentive or an asshole.

I’m a nice person, if I like you. If I don’t, it’s not that I am mean, but I am. For me. See what I did there? Yep, classic dichotomy. Two opposites that make a whole.

I am indifferent and a bit cold. It’s hard, if not impossible, for me to fake my emotions and they are usually quite evident on my face.

But where it gets very hard for me is when someone is being a bully, an asshat, or arrogant and condescending or just your basic “piece of shit” human. All the rightness I try to find in people goes out the window while I put the gloves on and bully them back and down.

Calling someone to task for being rude to someone else isn’t unusual for me, for you see, I don’t give a fuck what anyone (well, 99% of the population) thinks of me. I didn’t used to be this way. In fact, I spent a large part of my younger life trying to get people to like me, trying to fit in and trying to be a good person.

Yeah…trying. I hate it when people quote that Yoda dude: “Do. Don’t do. There is no try.” That’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard.

Results come about because we try. We try again. We exert force and effort and action to get something done. Sometimes we make it and sometimes we don’t, but to say there is only black and white is idiotic. But then again, I don’t think highly of anyone who quotes aliens in a fantasy movie.

Somewhere along the line, I stopped all that trying and just started to be. Just…BE. Nothing added, nothing taken away. I decided that I may never be “someone” but I would always be me and it was finally alright and good and often fun.

I believe in “Live and let live” unless you’re an asshole to me or those around me. Then the other side comes out, the side of me that IS a cop and I’ll go there and I resent being pushed to the point that someone didn’t stop with the first warning shot and now I have to see it through.

I remember realizing when I was married, that I had turned into a nag. I really did. Something would be promised to me as getting done. Then it didn’t get done. Then I had to ask about it. I would be promised again. And again. And again. Soon I was the cop, trying to make someone fulfill their promise to me.

After a few years of that, I found out that the only way to get something done was to do it myself.

Needless to say, when the people you trust the most can discount their promises to you and toss words out as carelessly as if they were throwing food to chickens, you learn to rely only on yourself and you learn that it had better be good enough or you’re screwed. Big time.

So, yes, I prefer to be left alone or at least only have people around me who don’t mess with me or others, who don’t try to drag me into their drama and hysteria and who take care of the things that they need to take care of.

I don’t want, need, or expect myself or others to be perfect. Our imperfections are what make us unique.

I expect and insist that you not be an asshole and don’t push me to the point that I have to take your ass out.

It’s annoying.