I can’t really explain well on how I ended up in this exact spot. I mean, I was there with each decision I made and each step I took. But sometimes I wake-up and wonder “How did this happen?” Obviously I have that thought on the bad mornings or bad days. I never have it when I’m happy. Only when I’ve got a headache from slamming my head and soul against brick walls.
Brick walls of people avoiding me.
Brick walls of people blowing me off.
Brick walls of “I don’t want to do this today…but I have to….” type of thing.
Brick walls of “What should I do today?” That’s only when I’ve either got too much to do or nothing to do. There doesn’t seem to be any type of middle road with me. Never has been and I am envious of people that can find that balance. Maybe the idea of a balance is a joke, a horrible joke, that no one can attain but only say they have. Like a form of bragging. Rather than have you be envious of them because of their car or house, it’s more a type of envy of how cool they are and you’re not.
There are brief moments when all is well with me and the minute I feel it, it dissipates like a rainbow. You know, as soon as you see a rainbow, it remains there until you move towards it. Then it’s gone or moves away. It’s always “Over there” and never right here.
I slug it out everyday and push towards what I want and everyday, it comes back “Nope. Try again.”
So today, I say “Nope. YOU try again to push me down,” and up I get, flip off the the resistance and slap on the lipstick and walk out the door. Doesn’t mean I know where I’m going or exactly what I’ll be doing, but I’ll be damned if I’ll accept defeat. Worst case scenario, everyone yells at me and throws me out of their place of business.
But at least I showed up.
At least I said something and made myself known.
Now THAT sounds like fun!