Every so often, I’ll try to do a gratitude log. I figure since it seems like such a popular thing that people do, I’ll give it a try. But it ends up being some sort of theetie-wheetie piece of bull shit. Like I’m writing down the things I’m supposed to be grateful for, such as family, friends, blah blah blah. If I have to actually write those things down in order to be grateful for them, then I’m doing something very wrong. Of COURSE I’m grateful for those people! No need to write them down and be redundant.
Plus it’s never in “my” voice. It’s always in some motivational guru’s voice, which annoys the shit out of me, so why am I writing this crap?
Well, I don’t. I re-read what I wrote and have no idea who just took over my mind, writing, and journal.
I went to do it again this morning after waking-up early and in the midst of a fit of terror. Yeah, as usual, waking-up is brutal for me. I’m at my most vulnerable – sleepy, in pain from my neck and back – and not in good fighting shape. That’s what my demons know and they lay in wait. Every morning we fight and every morning I win, but it’s a shitty way to start the day.
I decided to write what I wanted to write. I mean, I usually do, so why was I changing that? I dunno either.
Here a short list of the shit that I’m glad I have:
- Netflix. I mean, really, how could I possibly survive without it? It distracts me from all that I know is there, pinging my head constantly – bills coming in daily in my email and constant text messages from people who always want something from me – and Netflix only cares about what I want. It’s on my phone, my Kindle, my laptop. Netflix is always with me no matter where I go, always ready to entertain me and play with me. Unconditional love for me 24/7. It never closes. It never judges me. It tells me what it thinks I might enjoy watching because it cares about me more than anyone I ever dated. Netflix is relentless in its pursuit of MY happiness. Yeah, super grateful for its existence.
- Cheap pens. I buy them all the time and sometimes they end up being the best pen I ever had. Then it runs out of ink and I can’t find any more, so that sort of sucks. Cheap pens come and go. Then I’m pissed and then I’m not because it was cheap and I don’t get all twitchy and weird when I finally admit to myself the pen it out of ink. I have to scribble with it a few times on paper, put it back in the drawer and then try again later. It usually takes me 5 tries before I concede that’s it dead. I always feel sad as I toss it into the garbage, like I’ve lost a friend. That’s why the funeral garbage toss takes me a while to let go and move on with my life.
- Used books. I love that they are broken in and someone loved and cared enough about the book to haul it around until they found a new home for it. That’s love and dedication right there. Paperbacks are the best. Sometimes you’ll find notes or highlighted passages, which I read immediately as they were obviously important enough for the previous reader to note them. I always wonder who that reader was and why is this important? Guess I’ll never know,
- B-1 Yes, the vitamin of the Gods. Why? Because it backs down my demons off enough that I can start to get back to more of my “You’re-not-playing-by-the-right-rules” person that I am. B-1 calms own my nervous and anxious or generally fucked up mind for a bit. It’s not a cure but it gives my mind and body a break from the demons. I’ll not tame my demons, but I can put them on a short leash and reign them in a bit. Similar to a “time out” for a child who won’t shut the fuck up and stop pulling the cat’s tail. On one particularly bad day, I popped 100 mg an hour, all day. No one died that day, I didn’t get arrested for assault and I slept. I consider that a good day.
- Stupid people. In small doses, they give me a most wonderful and desperately needed chuckle. In large doses, a gin and tonic helps, but that’s not always possible during the day. There’s nothing more fun than having a conversation with someone who is an absolute idiot and has no idea what they’re talking about, but they are certain beyond reproach they are right. No sense trying to discuss or argue with them. Just sip your coffee (or gin and tonic), smile as you glance at them over your glasses and politely nod and enjoy the cheap entertainment. They’ll appreciate your rapt attention to them and their insanity and you’ll be grateful you aren’t them. It’s a win-win situation and everyone goes home happy.
- Journals. This is a picture of the few I have gone through in the last few months.I have a box, or two or three, of my other ones. I buy cheap and expensive ones. I am addicted to them and it’s a great addiction because I HAVE TO WRITE IN THEM! I swear for every word I publish, there are 10,000 that will never see the light of day. I even have taken to digital journals that I can then print or save to gazzilion apps but…nothing replaces the beauty and isolation of pen to paper, the sound the pen or pencil makes, the feel of turning the page and smoothing it down. A blank page in a journal is an adventure to me. A blank page on a computer is death to me.
These are just a few things I’m glad are on this planet and in my life.
What are some of yours?